Post Secret Archive

Today I had a big meltdown.
With my so-called parents.
I learned that..
I'll never not support my kids, if I have any.
I'll never nag my kids about how they live.
I'll never understand my parents.
Its always been about money with them, not love.

I like to bottle things up and explode in privacy.
I learned this after my body was bleeding from all the things I would do to release this rage.
So I took a shower and screamed.

When I lost everything I went to my car and screamed.

But you'll never see this, that's not the way I want you to remember me.

I figured out, all that negativity is what I've been absorbing from everyone else's expectations of me.

I'm sorry I'm not good enough. Maybe if you just stop expecting good shit from me you can be satisfied.

It seems like whenever I turn that corner of doing something uplifting or finally get to start thinking that maybe things will be alright, "they" are always there to bring me down and remind me that i'm always in their world.

All I can think about is, when I die is this the sum of my memories?
A struggle of fruitless endeavors.
No respect from anyone, not even those I hold close.
Just alot of you can'ts from others who dare not to try?
Just a bunch of demands and constraints and my endless struggle to meet them?
Just a dream?

Fuck them all.

Ever have one of those days where it just seems like nothing is going right for you?
Like you pour a bowl of cereal, then pour the milk and find its gone bad.
Or you go to the store get everything you need and then find you don't have your wallet on you.
Even better, you're just trying to get to work for an important meeting and on the way your car breaks down.

Well this past year has felt this way for me.

It seems like I'm just constantly fixing something else just to get myself to another spot where I gotta fix something else, instead of working on the things that will push me forward.

Right now, its 3:14AM. I'm re-installing software that I need on a PC since it decided to just crash on me. I have 2 outdated PCs at someone else's place right now, 1 PC at home that I can't work on as much. Why? Simply because my parents do not understand my need for technology and ( due to some control issues they have) told me that I had too many machines in my room.

So that basically means I now have to go out of my way in order to do work I could be doing from home. Now, why am I doing work, when I don't even have a job right now? Because in order to get a job I need to show off my skills set in a thing called a DemoReel which is a short compilation of either work I've done or shows that I'm competent in what I do. I've made some before but they all sucked and therefore didn't get me anywhere so I gotta make newer and better ones.

Now not only do I need to update my own reel/website I also gotta work on projects and other things just to try and make some dough. I also gotta make things happen in order for my new company to get off the ground. Thats the reason why I'm even putting the effort to make things work, because the new company will get ME off the ground, but I can't even work on that project within the given deadlines because I'm constantly NOT working on it and getting things fixed and ready so I can work on it.

SO instead of being able to work directly and comfortably at home, I gotta make my way over here to my homie's pad ( I don't have a car, and my bike has a flat tire, and I have no money to put towards gas or fixing that tire, nor is it easy for me to contact anyone for help as I don't have any ends for a phone ), work around whatever issues are here. Find time to work on my own things along with whatever is requested of me here, find my way back home, deal with those issues there, and somehow find time for ...it just gets annoying.. I'm always trying to just get to the point where I actually get busy but i'm always getting side tracked or side railed, really, with a bunch of things.

Its days and situations like this that make me want to give up on my dreams, give up on life, give up on all this bullshit. But I'm so deep in debt, behind on time, so indebted to others, I have no other alternative than to just try and keep trying to make things work with what I got.

You don't know how much I long for just a simple day. A day where I get to go to work, things actually work for me, pay for lunch, leave work, go home and be satisfied that I did something productive that day. You don't know how much I'd like to be on a regular / predictable schedule again. You don't know how much I miss the freedoms of living on my own and working on things I want to work on, being able to leave when and go to where I want when I want.

So far 2008-2009 has been super disappointing and difficult for me.